"Divorce Talk" With Children

As soon as you’re certain of your plans to divorce, talk to your child about your decision to live apart. Although there’s no easy way to break the news, if possible have both parents be there for this conversation. It’s not the place for badmouthing, bashing or brainwashing and the two of you need to put your children first and leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it.

Here’s your first chance to tell the children, explain what will happen to them and explain divorce to them.

Our attorneys emphasize that, although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to the child's age, maturity and temperament. Be sure to convey one basic message: What happened is between mom and dad and does not have anything to do with the children. Most kids will feel they are to blame even after parents have said that they are not. So it’s vital for parents to keep providing this reassurance.

Expect your children to be lost. Their own natural place in the family won’t be the same anymore. Also, don’t be surprised to learn that most children have a “secret mission” to reunite their parents. If they are asked, they will usually prefer the parents to stay together instead of getting a divorce. This is still the case when the marriage has been difficult because children are extremely loyal to their parents. They will often deny and hide their own feelings.

Having the “divorce talk” with a child who you love is one of the toughest conversations you’ll ever have. Moreover, professionals all agree on some of the most common mistakes parents make when bringing-up divorce or separation. These include:

• Asking children to bear the weight of making decisions or choosing sides.
• Failing to remind children that none of this is in any way their fault.
• Forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will still always be their parents – even after divorce!
• Confiding adult details to children in order to attract their allegiance or sympathy.
• Neglecting to repeatedly remind children that they are safe, innocent and very much loved.

These are just some of the most common mistakes or messages that parents fail to convey, not because they intend to, but because they’re just not prepared (and probably very scared).