Divorce Secrets for Women

If you don't control the matters of your divorce, you will end-up being controlled by the divorce itself. That's why you need to concentrate on your divorce strategy and prepare well before the start of any legal proceedings. Once the ball is in motion, it will be too late to really properly protect yourself.

The pre-divorce planning stage might seem like a lot of time but usually people think about divorcing for years before they ask for divorce. Why not use that time to your advantage?

First of all, realize that you will probably end up responsible for yourself (and your children) when you divorce. Some women receive spousal maintenance, but these days the numbers are less and less. In fact, at a recent Family Law conference several of the judges referred to spousal maintenance as "almost an extinct remedy." Some estimate that fewer than 15% of divorced women are awarded spousal maintenance. Because you will be on your own, there are some very detailed steps you must take to secure your financial future:

Establish the "status quo" and paint this picture to the judge. The judge will usually enforce status quo during and after the divorce so start the process now that you will want to continue when the divorce is over. Showing your lifestyle now with all these "extras" will almost guarantee it continues later.
Get credit in your own name. Be sure your name is included on all your household accounts and investments. Open checking and/or savings accounts and make sure you have at least one credit card. Remember, your husband can cancel all of the joint credit cards so this card could be a life saver when you're going through a divorce and need access to money.
Check out the timing of your divorce. Sometimes rushing blindly towards divorce can cost you. This is a perfect reason why divorce should be planned and carefully thought out. You may find there are benefits to waiting. For example, if you are married at least ten years and you don't remarry, you can receive Social Security benefits based on the ex-husband's earning when you reach 62. On the other hand, waiting in certain cases can be costly. For example, if you are on the verge of a great career move - perhaps you are about to graduate from law school and you know you'll be receiving a great salary - try to plan to get the divorce BEFORE you get your license.
Check out the details of your husband's pension. Women who have never worked outside the home and who are in the midst of the divorce process most typically feel no sense of entitlement to their husband's retirement assets. If this is where your mind is, you need to understand that your working in the home enabled your husband to work outside the home to earn for retirement. You had a big part in that and therefore deserve to reap the rewards of your efforts.
Take half the money in any joint accounts. This is to be done just before you are ready to let your spouse know you want a divorce, or immediately after he has made his intention clear to you that he is leaving. Put the money away where your spouse will not get it.
If you happen to find a box of cash (or other valuables) stashed away somewhere, take a picture of what you found. These assets are likely considered marital property and can be used for groceries or the mortgage payment during the beginning stages of divorce.
Call your credit bureau and request a copy of your credit report. Here, check your name, social security number and status of your credit. You want to make sure your file is correct. Moreover, as the attorneys often request a credit report for your spouse (it shows who he's applied for credit from and we can subpoena any applications which contain statements made by your spouse) and opposing counsel will likely request yours as well.

Beyond finances, there are other things you can do to stack the deck in your favor:

Figure out whom you can trust before you go talking to friends and soon-to-be former relatives. You are guaranteed to learn who your friends are when you go through a divorce. You may find out at the start, or you may learn along the way. The problem is that sometimes you don't find out until you're deep into the process, and by then you may have confided in exactly the wrong person.
Do make a police report if there is abuse - and do follow through. Contact us about issues relating to restraining orders in order to protect yourself and your children. Most important, don't make excuses for your spouse. Don't say it will never happen again or that it never happened before - it shouldn't have happened once. Don't believe that it will only be worse if you report the incident. Make a police report and follow through with whatever needs to be done.
Don't involve the children in conversations, arguments or decisions about them. Do not discuss the particulars of the divorce with your children, and do not use them as mediators or go-betweens. Your divorce is between you and your spouse. Do not put your children in the middle of it. Your children should not see or hear, much less participate, in any arguments.
Don't become abusive to yourself. Don't convince yourself that alcohol, drugs, overeating or not eating at all are going to help. They won't. The best thing that you can do is contact us to help you get started with the initial stages of divorce.